A Small and Self-Indulgent Moan

The problem with working in an academic institution for a person like me is that you never feel that you ought to be there in the first place.
You never feel good enough.
There is always somebody doing something much cleverer than you, with a smirk.
I have battled with feelings of inadequacy for the entire time that I have been lecturing, not so much with the students, who when I first started appreciated my honesty as I read the complicated books that I knew nothing about alongside them, but with my colleagues, who seemed to set about mystifying the obvious with relish.
I know they are brilliant in their worlds, I know they are.
But I feel like a silly child who tries to join in adult conversations without understanding the rules of engagement.
Sometimes people I know tell me that this is because the other academics,too, are insecure, and that their cool demeanour is a veneer to hide their own insecurities.
I used to like working in a shop. I worked with friends (who I still know even 30 years later).
We made tea, sold things and counted up the money at the end of the day.
We talked about proper things and didn't try to steal each other's jobs or spoil each other's day. At least, not too much!
I am looking forward to the day when what I do to earn my living is simpler, and I don't trip over other people's ambition on the way to the loo!