What's Cookin'

I'm playing at a pub called the Sheepwalk in Leytonstone on Wednesday (tomorrow). The night is called What's Cookin' and I'm supporting Martin Stephenson, who used to be in the Daintees. Looking forward to seeing him play- I think he does rockabillyish stuff now- and looking forward to meeting him too. I'm going to be supporting the Daintees at Christmas in Newcastle Upon Tyne so watch out you Geordies.
On Thursday, of to Birmingham to do two all-day children's songwriting workshops so I will have to stock up on the chilled Snickers (who needs Cristal?) and work on the fat stores.Here's a joke to make you laugh so much you get thin.
What do you call a herd of cats? Cattle.

Deodorant

A very famous and funky academic attended a conference I helped to organise. I have a problem with gravitas because I don't look very intelligent, so often people ask me very mundane things at conferences, that they think my little brain can cope with. This chap strode up to me and asked if I knew where he could find a pharmacist. Of course I told him, but it did cross my mind to wonder what it was he wanted. Always trying to be helpful, I offered him painkillers as I always have a supply of those with me. He turned them down.
Later, I left the conference as I wasn't feeling well. He was coming down the street and had obviously been fretting about my speculations about what he might have been buying at a chemist's shop.
"DEODORANT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!", he bellowed to me across the street, maximum volume, to the alarm of a huge crowd of tourists on Marylebone Road, who jumped out of their skins in fright.

June Songbird

This will be good. John Hegley is brilliant!

Scaledown

Played at Scaledown last night. I really liked it- it's upstairs in a pub in the West End and has little rows of red velvet chairs, almost like an old-time music hall if you use your imagination. The first act was Tristan Burfield who plays miniature tunes on his computer and gameboy, all very short and different, bit like a bag of sweets. Then there was me. I have divided all my songs into categories- loss, fantasy, biblical, lust, and people could choose what they wanted. Except I never did the lust one, I talked too much and missed it out. I wore glasses which gave a different twist to the occasion (i.e. I couldn't see beyond the microphone but at least I could read the little cards with the categories). Then there was Michael Ormiston, who played a Mongolian string thing with a wooden horse head carved at the top of the neck, which I desperately wanted, and did Mongolian throat singing. I have never heard it live before; it sounded like an electronic machine. Extraordinary. The club is having a rest for a while because of the World Cup but it's worth checking out in July www.theorchestrapit.com (sorry it's not a proper link but this computer won't do that at the moment). Thanks to Steve Beresford for putting me in contact with Richard who runs the club!

Finished book

FINISHED

Socks and Hats

I've just realised I missed Offline last night! And I'm going to miss Songbird next week as I'll be in Birmingham doing a children's music workshop. It's a bit like missing Brownies one week and having to meet Brown Owl's enquiring gaze the next time.
Living is a confusing soup of writing... I went to bed early and as I fell asleep I started thinking of re-christening socks 'footnotes' and hats 'chapter headings'. At the point where I re-christened the act of breaking wind a 'paragraph' I laughed, and woke myself up.
Talking of sleep- I had a dream once about travelling up England in a helicopter- I didn't know why. But I got to Yorkshire and spied Richmond, which was built on a hill that stuck out of the landscape. I flew closer, and closer, and hovered over the market square. There I saw the guitarist from Joby and the Hooligans, Nick, dressed in a kilt and jaunty Scottish hat, holding a set of tartan bagpipes and sitting on a donkey right in the middle of the square. He had a funny little smile on his face and had obviously been waiting there for ages, possibly days, waiting to see if I'd find him.
I burst out laughing in my sleep and woke up. I have admired Nick ever since, for going to such trouble just to make me laugh in a dream.
I'm off to number the pages.

Extra

There really is a skeleton in the cupboard in JG63

Grey Box

The grey box that I work in has its own weather system.
It was cold and wet this morning so I wore a thick coat to work, switched on the computer to warm my hands against and settled down to work. By typing furiously, I could just about keep the blood circulating. Sometimes I even have to eat a Magnum Classic to get warm. Later I drew my coat about me (was too cold to take it off) and went out to get the post- and it was a HOT SUNNY DAY outside and people were SUNBATHING.
Could have fooled me
in JG63
cold grey box
where's me socks?

Totem Pole

My gran was American and used to work on a Native American Reservation for a while. This was her totem pole.
When mum and dad went on holiday she came to look after us. Mum and dad gave us scissors and made us promise not to cut our hair. I had an idea. We cut off the cat's whiskers. Gran was very upset, but the cat didn't mind, she was purring when we did it.
Gig alert: Friday this week at Scaledown, the King and Queen, Foley Street (near Cleveland Street) in the West End. I'm on at 9 p.m., it's a short set but there are lots of good other things on. Free.

I think it went OK

Oh... their DAT player was broken but I brought my own and I had to do the show backwards with the music first and the interview afterwards but I think it went well-the band were really relaxed and we actually had a laugh between things. Of course every time we went back on air I forgot the funny quips that I'd thought of in between. And Nadya has given me a fantastic fake leopardskin jacket and I look like the bees knees in it. (or the leopard's knees- just YOU try spellin lepperddd after half a gallon of wine!!!). Tried out loads of guitars in rare and vintage beforehand, thinking of buying a vintage acoustic but then change my mind and want to be a rockabilly. Which way will the wind blow? Who knows, but Johnny cock crow. Who writes fake nursery rhymes? I do, all o' de times.
Goodnight.
zzzzzzzz

Making a radio show

Tomorrow, Tessa Pollitt who played bass with the Slits, and the new girls, are coming to Resonance and we are going to do a broadcast. I've never done anything quite like it before and I lay awake for ages at about 5 a.m. worrying about it until I realised there's nothing I can do about it at that time in the morning.What a relief, I thought, they sent me guidelines a couple of days ago, all I've got to do is look at those guidelines they sent me and I'll be fine! So I got up, logged on,looked for the guidelines... and I'd trashed them for some reason!
Why is 50% of my brain so utterly foolish? How can I possibly succeeed in my plan to be first elected anarchist Queen of the UK or at least of our road? Why does anybody like Jack Johnson's music?
Anyway, I am sure it will be OK (probably).It's going out at 7 p.m. UK time and can be streamed from the internet www.resonancefm.com and afterwards I will be in the pub if you want to buy me a pint.

Just one more thing...

... I was just wondering why all the cars in Britain drove to Hackney yesterday just to get in my way?

I was a birthday present

A few weeks ago, someone emailed me and asked me if I would come to play at a birthday party for her husband, because on the front page of my website it says I will 'play a gig near you'. At first, I thought it might be a hoax, because normally, only Mick Jagger and Rod Stewart do that sort of thing- playing for billionaire businessmen on their yachts and things like that... but it was real,and that is what I did last night. Paul Davey came along to play sax, and we set up in the living room and played some songs for the Birthday Chap. It was lovely because we were a surprise- his wife told him that she hadn't managed to get tickets for a gig so she had brought the show to him instead, and he though it was a windup until we walked in. He says he will live to be a hundred, and I think it is probably worth it, with a wife like that. Happy Birthday,Birthday Chap,it was a pleasure to play for you!

All part of life's rich tapas

Had a funny few days. First thing on Thursday morning, Caroline Coon phoned and offered to contribute towrds a launch party for the book. I was so touched I almost burst into tears. It has been such hard work- or rather, it's still being really hard work. More information keeps turning up at the last minute. So I was manic all day at work and din't manage to get anything done- I have 60 songs to listen to but didn't even start. Then yesterday, I phoned Poly Styrene to ask her permission to use the interview in the book and while I was talking to her, realised I wasn't using any of it anyway apart for some anonymous stuff. We were yakking away for ages about the Cathars, sage tea, Boy George, all sorts of stuff. Almost late for the rehearsal with Tash but got there. And then played, and little Bruv came and also firstcousinsonceremoved, Neil and Callum, hello Neil and Callum! I don't know about anyone else but I drank more beer than usual and my head hurts and I'm lying down writing this. The cat is jealous and thinks I have a mechanical fur-free cat on my lap that is getting all her attention. At some point I know I must become vertical, but not just yet. And today... well, I'll tell you what I am doing today, tomorrow, because it's a secret. I sort of wish I was going to Deptford Festival though- my friend Debbie makes fantastic clothes, skirts out of parachutes- I have got one- and she has a work unit in the Cockpit Arts place. I also met the lady with the bread stall, Charlotte, when I went to pick up the music from Ben. And I met a man who is writing a football song... Paul who plays sax for me has played on another one that gor played at an England/Germany friendly and Gazza is in the video. Joby rightly pointed out that quite a few expat Geordies are not as cool as I thought they were- poor Gazza squirty-eyes being one and Ant and Dec being two (more). So I was wrong on that count but I still reckon I know better jokes. Oh, soup is where my brain once was. Gonna try to get more shuteye. See you tomorrow.

Fact

Fact: last night, I put together 20 tracks out of 30 I have written, so my 'ears' can listen and choose the best 15. I have timed them and I think 15 tracks would give about 45 minutes of music... I have some very short little ones that I might put on the CD if it seems to need them (they are all less than a minute long). Its going to the international ears first.I still haven't managed to catch up with the chewingumpainterman- perhaps he is lost, or perhaps he was a figment of my imagination... the Big Issue seller, Rose, believes in him too, though.
Fact: When I was a seedling, I used to do under-5s music sessions in Clapham. I couldn't afford to buy lunch and sometimes used to eat my sandwiches and knit in the snow on Clapham Common. I used to use the loos in McDonalds. Once I went in there and got locked in. I was too embarrassed to call for help, because I hadn't bought anything, so I climbed on to the toilet-roll holder and squeezed over the top of the door and ran away.Do you think they were worried in case someone had been taken ill in there? This has plagued me ever since.