Yesterday

Yesterday I met Johny Brown who used to be in the Band of Holy Joy. He comes from the north-east too and we are going to write a duet about Wylam- he used to go and play down by the river there. Fact: the bridge in the opening credits of Byker Grove is at Wylam, and it was the village dare to climb over the top of it, over the arches, to cross the river. I was too frightened to do it.

Last night

Last night I went to the Resonance Benefit at the Conway Hall- there were some great DJs and I took the opportunity to dance myself stupid. Hammy was there- the drummer from Transglobal Underground who used to play drums in the 'house band' for the mad little theatre groups I used to write songs for. He could do things like setting off an alarm clock and switching it off while remaining in time- seemingly doing it in slow motion, during quite a fast song. If you've ever played in a band you-ll know what I mean. I am a bass player, or was, and the way things work with the drummer is always different- some of them just bully you along, some of them bounce, some of them do 'fiddling about with pots and pans', some of them leave lots of space for you to do stuff in. The last sort are best because you can play along almost in a reverie, and that's the sort Hammy is.
His band pre-Transglobal was the Flavel Bambi Septet- Natacha Atlas used to belly-dance and sing for them- and they came up to the Edinburgh Fringe to be our house band there. The show had about 30 people in it. I sang a song called 'She's a Girl that Likes to Have a Horse Between Her Legs', wearing a wooden horse with little legs that I could control with red ribbons, and tap-danced at the same time. We had a man who sawed people in half and found kidneys and apples inside them, Dada poetry, rude ladies who sat on the audiences' laps, a mini-play about marine biologists, and many more items. We also had dry ice. Now I work in an office that has a grey carpet, white walls and a computer, and a movement sesitive light that switches off all the time because nobody moves.

About vans

The Chefs were driving back from a gig in Winchester, with Midnight and the Lemon Boys, in thick fog one night. Their drummer, Hoggins, started laughing helplessly. I asked him why. 'Look at Watto!', he laughed. Watto was driving at the time- fast asleep with his head snuggled up on the steering wheel. I never would sleep in a van after that, and always sat next to the driver to keep them awake, no matter how long the journey was.

Once your band has it's own van, you know you are a proper band. In The Chefs we had an old blue Ford gas van. Carl nicked an 'o' from another van, so it read 'Food' instead of Ford.

Jonathan, the Chefs' manager, ran himself over one night. We'd been doing a gig in a church hall in Willesden. My friends were down from Newcastle, and Graduate Records were just on the point of signing us. They had driven down from Dudley in their Posh New Top Of The Range BMW and gave me a lift back from the gig- everyone else piled into the van, with my friends packed in behind the drumkit and looking out of the back window. We got back to the house first and were parked outside: along came the van, and started reversing towards the BMW- problem was, it didn't stop and just carried on towards it, rather fast, with my friends' little white faces peering fearfully out of the back window. It stopped with millimetres to spare... and there was Jonathan, lying in the road groaning in agony. He had poked his head out of the drivers door, with it slid back, to see where he was going, fallen out, and the front wheel had gone over his chest. Russ had tried to catch him and fallen on the brake, just in time to save the posh car, but not in time to save Jonathan. But his chest just sprang back to its former shape before the night was out.

Ah- the Lucy story! When the Chefs split up, Carl and myself shared the van. I couldn't drive and had to ask Lucy to take my new band up to a rehearsal in Harlesden. At the end, we couldn't work out why she wasn't there. we went out to look for her and saw the van in the middle of the road, between two width restrictions with Lucy frantically gesticulating out of the back door, which had a padlock on it as the lock had broken ages ago. She had driven through the width restriction, smashed in the passenger sliding door, reversed back through, smashed in the other one, and been locked in for half an hour. She felt like a complete fool but it was incredibly funny, apart from having to replace the doors. Sorry Carl.

That's enough van stories for one day.

The Chefs making a video

Carl Evans: guitar, Russell Greenwood: drums, Helen McCookerybook: bass, James McCallum: guitar

Lesson learned at a young age

I was brought up in a village called Wylam, in the north-east of England. It was at the back end of the back end of beyond and there was nothing to do except Youth Club (which we all grew out of at 14) and the Wylam Folk Club, which happened every Friday in The Ship (rough pub). You had to be 18, and we all weren't, but we all went anyway and got told off every week and told not to come back next week, but we all came back next week... you get the picture.
There were two guys who could play the spoons and the saw blade (with a violin bow- scary sound!) and also young hopefuls who sang Dylan songs. One of them sat down one evening to play 'Knock, knock, knockin' on Heaven's Door' (ugh, I detest Dylan songs) and got to the end of the song without having thought about how he would deal with the fadeout section. The Lads from school had started joining in towards the end, and wouldn't let the poor guy finish- every time he tried to play a final flourish on the guitar, the Lads bellowed 'KNOCK, KNOCK< KNOCKIN' ON HEAVEN'S DOOR' and started the whole thing off again. Oh it was funny! It went on for about 15 minutes until the organisers stepped in to announce the next act!
Taught me to make sure I worked out how my songs were going to end, just in case the same thing happened to me one day.

Here, Goddess!

The tropical fish have always thought I was their God(dess). That's because I give them food from above, and fresh water when they need it. This week, they rewarded me by hatching more than 20 tiny baby tropical fish, which I presume they though would be a marvellous surprise. However, the fishtank has now become massively overcrowded in a matter of hours. Whitebait, anyone?

I have found a photograph of the Chefs making a video: I'll upload it when I find a friendly computer.

Obsessive posting, when nothing better to say

1. I used to work in an x-ray darkroom at the Royal Victoria Infirmary in Newcastle upon Tyne. There I learned that it is possible to read Mills and Boon paperbacks in the red light that illuminates a photographic darkroom. I also had my ears pierced in sterile surroundings by a radiographer's dad, who was a jeweller. We all did. Ouch.
2. When I was 14 I complained to my mum all the time because the bellringers in the village church got on my nerves with all that dinging and donging. She suggested that I join them. I did, and so did my friends. We all learned how to ring bells, but we didn't do our homework.

End.

New songs on Myspace

Hill of Fools was written for Gina Birch's birthday, and Songbird for Diana Mavroleon's!

Recording next album

This is the plan: I have written over 30 songs in the last year and a half- and made rough recordings of most of them. I'm finishing 20 of them and then I'm going to ask 20 people to choose the best 15, and that's going to be my solo album. I thought that might be a good way to do it...
Allan Bradbury from the Irrepressibles played some beautiful cello stuff on Tuesday; I had been thinking of other instruments for those tracks but the cello finished them perfectly. It's so hard not to put too much stuff into the music- recording is just so exciting, and songs are like puzzles that you can put together in millions of different ways..so easy to get it wrong.
I went to see the Irrepressibles last night. Jamie McDermott has one of the best voices in England, and they played a new song which reminded me of those big Shirley Bassey blockbusters. He should write the next Bond song- but only when Sean Connery clones and duplicates and we don't have to make do with what movie moguls think is a suitable male lead. Oh those eyebrows! Mmmmm.......
I have uploaded the mad song on to myspace- www.myspace.com/helenmccookerybook
It's called Songbird.
I'll put another one up to replace London as soon as my computer stops crashing.

And a good time was had by all

Songbird2 was great last night- William Blake poetry sung beautifully, Russian poetry doomily booming across the room, the fantastic harpist Serafina singing and playing (ever heard a harpist sing 'wanker' in a beautiful voice before?).
I was looking for a soloist to do the solo in Diana's song but there wasn't anyone there with an easy instrument. However, Chris from Utrophia turned up- he had been working with a man with MS, bathing him and so on, all week, and he mentioned that he wanted to brush his teeth, and he had his toothbrush with him. Luckily I had some toothpaste with me (don't ask why) so I could provide the missing element for him. Witin minutes, he was up there on stage, doing a toothbrushing solo, which was possibly the most beautiful and poignant toothbrushing solo I've ever heard.
Ah what a night... just then, John Hegley and the Popticians turned up and played a fantastic set, rowdy and shouty and boisterous and lots of audience participation, dancing, jokes about purple plectrums- must be fun to play a gig to a bunch of sharp-witted poets and musicians, lots of witty banter, what a successful night! The best bit was when Serafina joined in on their last song. I think she will play on their next album. And their baritone sax player is xlnt!!!
They used to share Russ Greenwood, the drummer, with us. RIP Russell, I think you would have enjoyed last night.

I left my hat behind. It was a wreath made of twisted stalks of ivy and only just balanced on my head.

'I am cross', indicates shop assistant

Well, I don't like to rant, but in this case I feel justified, having worked in a shop myself for two years after art college, and having never been surly or rude to customers, even when suffering from the after-effects of the night before, poverty, starvation, or general sadness of the misery kind.
I took some CDs down to Rough Trade's shop yesterday to replenish their stocks, because I am recommending that people order from their website (and this is by no means criticising their mail order service, or anything else to do with them for that matter).
First of all, the guy claimed he couldn't find the CD on their shelves, then he claimed he couldn't find any record of the CD on their computer, then he got rid of a couple of customers by rudely telling them the shop was short-staffed because of sickness. Then when he finally found that the shop had stocked the CD, he very reluctantly took more; I asked for a receipt (I'm not the record company, I'm the artist and I'm trying to help out) he refused! So I asked how I could prove that I'd given him more CDs, and he said "I've written it in the book". What levels of grumpiness he rose to when I asked him to show me! He went off on a mini-rant about Rough Trade being there for 30 years etc etc.
I had to say to him that other people too might not be having such a good day...
At no point did he make eye contact, make an unprompted remark, or make any sort of pleasant attempt at social interaction. Because I had to work so hard at getting him to be helpful, I didn't do what I normally do at Rough Trade- buy CDs by other people while selling my own.
So Mr Crossbeardman, you have lost sales at the same time as upsetting an artist whose stuff you sell!
(but at least they have the CD now if you want to order it- search their website under Helen McCookerybook)

Songbird 2, this Saturday

28 Harrison Street- The Harrison Bar's the place to be this Saturday- John Hegley and the Popticians (a very rare treat) and lot of other music and poetry.
Last one was great, and this one will be too.
Come and witness my one-off performance of the song I wrote for Diana- and sing along with the most unusual backing vocal since Rubber Bullets by 10cc (the exercise yard, the exercise yard). See previous posting, should you wish to learn in advance!
Free parking. Everyone pays to get in (3 and 4 pounds) so everyone gets paid for playing. Please buy drinks- manager of venue needs revenue for us to contnue there and it's a fab venue!

Diana's Party

Went to my friend Diana's party on Saturday at the Utrophia studio- Gina Birch showed her films and sang- one of my favourite tracks, I'm Glad I'm Me Today, makes me want to cry every time I hear it.
Lots of mad acts. I wrote a song for Diana, and a man dressed like Rembrandt held up the chorus lyrics for guests to sing (oak, ash, sycamore, holly, elm).
Steve f rom Utrophia played a last-minute and very moving kazoo solo. I'll put the track on Myspace soon to replace Temptation, 'cos nobody listens to that. It's a HelenandtheHorns track anyway so I might set up a separate page for that and put some rare stuff on it.

Thank you Arnauld

Thank you for your lovely comment, Arnauld. I know I never got particularly famous, but reading something like that makes it all worth while!!

January

This year, I resolve to make an album (or even two) and to promote songwriting of the outer kind whenever and however possible.
Ad to go to as many weird gigs as I can, starting with Diana's birthday party on the 14th. I am writing a song for her birthday- very slow as it's on the piano and I can't play much but I'm learning- principally by mimicking school assembly-type playing, both in sound and physically (you know, the wildly enthusiastic music teacher attacks piano with whole body style of playing). I wrote a song for Gina's birthday and also for my friend Mandy (we drink champagne together when we can afford it and it's called My Champagne Friend). So that's why there might be two albums- one with normal songs and one with songs for friends.
Song Club will probably start up next week too if we have got the funding- with Barnet Football Club coming along to inspire us this time.
And I will be starting the Salon de Chansons (pretentious, moi?) where people come round and try out songs while eating chocolate cake (and I clear up afterwards).
And I hope I'll be playing lots of gigs- only one scheduled at the moment, with Helen and the Horns featuring two originals- Paul Davey on sax and Dave Jago on trombone, with John Eacott guesting on trumpet.
Please to see The Chefs track 'You Get Everywhere' is on Everett True's baby tape!

January Joke (for by God we need a joke this month!)
Knock Knock:
Who's there?
M.A.B. it's a big horse
M.A.B it's a big horse who?
(sings) M.A.B. it's a big horse I'm a Londoner...
I think you might have to tell it out loud to make it work.