Thursday, February 10, 2022

Microphone Stands

Microphone stands are second only to deckchairs in the annoyingness charts. Actually no- perhaps third, with music stands far out there in front of both of them.

But microphone stands- they require superhuman strength to tighten the components, otherwise they very, very slowly start to sag with that kind of ''f*ck you' look in their eyes than only a toddler deliberately peeing on the floor gives you. Even the lightest-weight microphone is too heavy for their delicate constitution. Like a giraffe's neck they gently bow over, usually when you're halfway through a really good vocal take that you're never going to be able to replicate. Perish the thought that you might try to engage the beast with a heavier-duty microphone! Microphone stand says 'NO!'. With a swooping motion, the stand collapses in rapid refusal.

Ok. So maybe you manage to balance everything well enough to get the damn thing to hold the microphone for just that few tantalising minutes that you need to record the song. Triumph! You think you've beaten the bastard!

Until the next time you try to erect the stand. It's decided that the screw threads have had enough. There's no way any part of it is going to hold anything up now. No, not after the way you made it work so hard the last time! No way! You'll have to buy a brand new microphone stand!

Same thing again. Microphone stands are second only to deckchairs in the.... (ad infinitum)

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