Yet again this year, I am playing at precisely nil festivals, although I would love to.
So I am organising my own: Squirrelfest.
I haven't decided where yet, but I plan to pitch up in a grassy park somewhere, entice my audience with a bagful of stale bread crusts, and regale them for four hours with a unique set including specially written songs such as Where Did I Put My Nuts and Beware Of The Dog.
Their little bushy tails will sway to my anthems and they will go back to their dreys at nightfall, happy and contented, with just a few complaints about the toilet facilities, and singing my hit, Humans? Who Needs 'Em?.