How to play...PIANO

I got to grade 3 when I was 9, then my piano teacher sacked me as she realised I couldn't read music and was just going home and copying what I remembered from the lesson.
I wrote 2 of my new songs on piano, though, and this is how you play piano- or how I learned, anyway, and everything's worth a try apart from parachuting.
1. Remember what your school music teacher looked like when she was playing: frenzied smile, bouncing head and jerking shoulders, tossing hair. Copy this movement.
2. Sway like Ray Charles; add this to (1)
3. While undertaking these actions, approach piano with fingers alternately wiggling and then clawed and twitching up and down, left right left right left right.
4. Hit keys, a mixture of black and white, as confidently as you can, flapping elbows as you do so, and looking intense.
5. Sit back after 3 minutes with a satisfied sigh.
Naturally, this doesn't work every time, but usually one time in a thousand, music happens.