Thursday, June 14, 2012

The Leveson Enquiry

I remain riveted by the Leveson Enquiry, and wish I could just watch it all day, instead of just the snippets that I catch on the news.
What are those Tories taking? They are super-animated, eyes a-pop, hands flailing around, drama catching in their throats (was multi-millionaire Hunt close to tears in the House of Commons the other day?).
Below, I have printed the secret Tory instructions that are slipped to them with their arabica coffee and almond croissant half an hour before they swear the oath. You could ask me on oath if I intercepted an email to get hold of these. I would reply: 'To my knowledge, I am not aware of any sort of skulduggery at this precise moment in time: this is a ridiculous allegation.', and you could make of that what you will.

1. Drink 2 cans Red Bull
2. Imagine Peter Jay is the fag you used to bully at Eton: sneaky little worm! Has he got five million in the bank? Of course not! Arriviste!
3. Pretend you're on the winning side at The Debating Society. Raise your eyes to the heavens, frown in distaste; look at the screen beside you with an air of puzzlement. Talk with intense animation, without stopping for breath.  The Upstart Jay will not be able to interrupt you and will eventually forget the question he asked you in the first place.
4. Remember, you're all in the same Lodge anyway, so it'll all square up in the end; just bide your time and everything will be OK. If it goes on long enough, the public will lose interest anyway.
5. They can't get rid of you for three years; there's time to set up a few contracts in the U.S. before then, especially after hosting the Jubilee and the Olympics. That's the perfect USP for any ex-politician wanting to turn their millions into billions!


foolish girl said...

Jeremy Hunt..? that's rhyming slang isn't it?

Anonymous said...

It's Elvis Costello I feel sorry for. Delaying tours and CD releases just so he can ask questions at the Leveson Enquiry hour after hour, day after day.


Andy Cairns x

Helen McCookerybook said...

Ha ha! Jeremy actually got called that on Radio 4 I believe, Foolish Girl, although I didn't actually witness it myself.
Andy- you're right! I didn't recognise him at first!

Thomas Maltby said...

Hi helen I'm trying to trace Dmitri and Dave or pete and dave from wrist action I heard tony Payne from wrist action is in brighton but Mark Passi is in italy according to some I enjoyed your book it was avery entertaining read and light well in there I wrote to punk rock daddy requesting that they set up a site of poetry and forwarded a poem I co-wrote with someone else called "All Our Dead Sons" I thought it is worth mentioning that "Wrist Action " was in a documentary with sid vicious and John Rotten as well as viv westwood and the molesters as well as richard hell and the voidoids it was a star studded cast including don letts and chas chandler the depressions manager what about p.l.r. rights I thought that documentary was better that the swindle another movie I was briefly in but there you go you haven't heard from stella anscombe have you? sorry to go on but I thought I better write and congratulate you on your book females in the rock circuit which I thought was quite brilliant well done your a credit to brighton and the scene that went on without sounding patronizing to you well played , if you can and when your ready in your own good time you couldn;t drop me a line and tell me where pete and dave are and have you heard from Mark? and stella of course hope I haven;t bored you to tears with repetition yours tom Maltby from "Wrist Action"

Thomas Maltby said...

Your Duck is Dead--

A woman brought a very limp duck in to a veterinary
surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet
pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head and
sadly said, "I'm sorry, your duck, Cuddles, has
passed away."

The distressed woman wailed, "Are you sure?"
"Yes, I am sure. Your duck is dead," replied the

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean
you haven't done any testing on him or anything.
He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the
room. He returned a few minutes later with a black
Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on
in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his
front paws on the examination table and sniffed the
duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the
vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out
of the room. A few minutes later he returned with
a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately
sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back
on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and
strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry,
but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably,
a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys
and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman..
The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!"
she cried, "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged, "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my
word for it, the bill would have been $20, but with the
Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

Thomas Maltby said...


Footsteps in back streets at night
As the last soldiers,head home to the comfort
Of coffee and hashish and as they
Unconsciously prepare for the nights glimpses into
Music and books they know
With a certain desperation
That repression of of instinct is not
The basis of civilization

Thomas Maltby said...


Footsteps in back streets at night
As the last soldiers,head home to the comfort
Of coffee and hashish and as they
Unconsciously prepare for the nights glimpses into
Music and books they know
With a certain desperation
That repression of of instinct is not
The basis of civilization

Helen McCookerybook said...

What's your email address Tom?
Nice to hear from you!

Thomas Maltby said...

Without sounding rude Helen "God save the Queen ""The Sex Pistols" reminds me of MARY kRAY the queen of the underworld, Helen I'm SERIOUS about this and I think it might be good to put into print as Mary Kray is the Mother of the Kray twins Mother complex? and the amount of damage those two have done is quite bad and I have been digging around and please be careful without sounding patronizing and Helen Life insurance does help so I have been digging around and yes I'm still in working order just , have you heard from Stella ? please do not forget Jordan on a southern report and Vivienne as well, females in Punk part 1? I dunno have you heard from Dmitri and David as well as Ian and dare I say Mark and tony Payne and Topsy turvey the bassists it's peculiar that the resources center and the Hove Town Hall have been burnt down and why was Kings Cross Fire similar to the Hove Town Hall Fire architecture and where is the records department in Hove Town Hall all burnt down in Xmas 68-67?, also worth noting is Dr. Richardson in Wilbury Villas Hove in 1960,it should have records in British Telecom microfiche in Hove Library ah that should keep you going Helen and I hope it does as I really enjoyed your book and I think you have put a lot of effort into music mind a southern Report how did it fair what was left of ti at brighton Film school ? contribution it's interesting ain't it well played Helen many congrats and I hope you win a lit award> Tommy "Wrist Action"

Thomas Maltby said...

hi! It's me Tommy Maltby from Wrist Action ever think about compiling a book of Punk Rock Poetry whatever title how about Faber and Faber at 3, Queens Square after all The Fabien(a)n Society and The Chartism Movement which gave birth to the Labour Party in 1900 formed in and by the chartists movement peter-loo ? the Cornwall Riots were in 1769? and didn't the miners move to the Northern Counties after the Cornwall Riots and dare I say wasn't that covered in the Swindle effigies? still revolution 1849, and digression aside punk poets I'm thinking of sending you

"A poem dedicated to Jan Palach"

Love burst from it's cage when Jan Palach burnt himself to death symbolising the agony of those who went before him ,

Tom Maltby and Edward silver

Who says political poetry is not noted anymore

Anyway Helen regards to Emma Stella Vivienne when you speak to her and good ol' Jordan who I think approached Pete Lyon from THE VANDELLES FROM A RECOMMENDATION OF MINE FOR THE JOB OF Wide Boy Awake who should have gone a lot further whatever Happened to Billy McKensie from ther Associated ? "All Our Dead Sons " how many of them are there it's like someone is ruling from the grave apologies for the impropitudeous remark there it sounds rather melancholic.

Besides I quite like " Stiletto Cafe' by another friend of mine . C.J. AND HE'S HAVING PROBLEMS WITH PUBLISHING , ANYWAY i HOpe your O.k. and by the way Julian Temple has been criticized quite unfairly in my opinion and did anyone mention Cannes or Montreux?

Yours Tommy Maltby "Wrist Action"