I seem to be incredibly popular in Africa; I'm getting a massive amount of emails from there, calling me 'Dearest One'. I am lucky, because they have all found huge sums of money that belong to me, and I have sent all of them my bank details so that they can pay these vast sums into my account.
I will buy you a beer when they do so.
Somebody out there thinks I'm a bloke as well. Not sure where: somewhere where Helen is a man's name and not a woman's one. I have written to them all to thank them for their interest and goodwill, and requested that they send me breast enlargement emails instead of Viagra ones, which although I am not in need of them will at least be a more focused and appropriate form of spam.
Finally, I am having a lot of conversations with a very shy lady from Natwest, who phones me constantly at busy times. She is so nice, but either deaf or perhaps has the volume turned down on her handset. I usually chat for about half an hour (seems impolite not to), but I'm not sure whether our friendship will be a lasting one.